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I want to be okay with being alone

Posted: Sun Nov 10, 2019 7:02 pm
by strugglingfemale
this is my first time posting on something like this..and I must admit it's a bit nerve-racking trying to reach out to people I don't know, but hey I'm giving it a shot.

I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of wanting to be in a relationship. the feel of wanting to be loved by someone, of wanting to be there for someone, take care of them, to have someone listen to me when I'm down etc. being in the age where many of my colleagues are getting married, or parents looking for marriage for me (I'm Indian) it's making me feel apprehensive as if i'll be left alone for the rest of my life.

I have no pressure from my family, in fact they're my support, bringing me up, supporting me in my academic dreams, funding my education right now (i'm in medical school) and telling me to focus on myself and to love myself.. but I don't. I break down randomly wanting to go home. Ive been living away from home for 10 years now, and struggling to connect with people on an intellectual and emotional level. at first when i start chatting to someone, they're like head over heels on me. then we start talking and i feel like hey this may be the person... as soon as I ask (months into talking) about where this is going, they back away. i'm not here to play games. I make my intentions clear from the beginning and they seem to understand it.. but then why get scared about it? i give the person loads of time sometimes years.

but I have this desperation of assurance, this need for longingness and this need for co-dependence. I tend to hang on to anyone and everyone who shows me even 1% of kindness and care. despite my achievements in life and I am proud of myself, as soon as it comes to social or personal relationships/interaction, all my confidence dissipates. I'm scared of letting go. I'm scared of having someone walk away. when I tell them hey it's not really working of me, immediately 5 mintues later I apologise and say "can we talk it out" because I'm scared. instead the guy puts it on me and says "i don't expect an educated person to behave like this" "have patience" "don't you know this and that".. yes I do have a lack of patience. and I have to work on it. but I do not want this desperation to find someone.

I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel happy with myself and be able to walk away from a situation if it is bad for me. I feel like if I do not do what the guy wants then I'm in the wrong, and I may not find anyone like him. why do i feel this way?

I just want to feel content with the way I am, in my situation without NEEDING to have external assurance and acceptance. and I do not know how to get there.

Re: I want to be okay with being alone

Posted: Mon Nov 11, 2019 7:36 am
by talkhealth
Hi strugglingfemale

Thank you for your post, we appreciate how hard it can sometimes be to put into words what we are feeling.

We do have a free support programme, mywellbeing,, which we think you may find helpful. The support programme provides 19 weeks of dedicated information, sent to you by email in bite-size chunks. Each week you will receive either a PDF for you to download / print OR a video to view containing practical information written by us and medical and professional experts.

These are just a few of the topics the programme covers:

Mental and emotional well-being
Sexual health
Incontinence and bladder issues
Compassion fatigue and caring for others

We hope this is useful to you.

Kind regards

Re: I want to be okay with being alone

Posted: Wed Nov 20, 2019 10:14 pm
by MissCandyGirl
I can understand where you're coming from and the struggle you're facing. But you are NOT alone in your life and you must have friends who do care and do also want to connect with you. You need to open your heart in a way that doesn't leave you vulnerable. In a way that shows people you want friendship and cameraderie and just to have them there.

You know the old tips: be yourself, don't show all your cards, don't lie behind their backs, listen to them without being their counsellor. Just be the mature woman you are and you'll know the rest of the way. Anyone with half a heart would be your friend: and I don't mean that in a patronizing way. If you're into sports, take up a sport where there are like-minded people. If you're into drawing & painting, join an art class: you get the gist. Getting yourself out there is the only solution.

Also, you cannot change someone else: you can only change yourself. But that doesn't mean being a doormat and following everyone elses rules. Keep your boundaries and your self-respect and others will do like-wise.

Remember: you're still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Open your heart.

Re: I want to be okay with being alone

Posted: Wed Sep 16, 2020 5:08 pm
by Prycejosh1987
Respect yourself and people with respect you. Even if you respected yourself, it would not matter if people didnt like you. Love yourself and work on fulfilling your needs. Always.

Re: I want to be okay with being alone

Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2020 2:21 pm
by MissCandyGirl
I agree 100% Prycejosh1987. If you love yourself and respect yourself, then others will respect you. No one is going to like/respect/admire someone who doesn't do that for themselves. People like people who like themselves.

Being alone I am used to. BUT I still like company and being with friends & family. Maybe because I am fairly secure emotionally [not perfect, but secure] I can handle not being liked by every Tom, Dick and Harry. There is no point being surrounded by people when you feel down about yourself and lack respect for yourself. People will notice this and will stop being nice and friendly. It is a harsh truth, but true.

There is also a difference between being alone and being lonely. The two have a vast difference. For instance, I am alone but do not feel lonely. That is what I mean.